A Learning Process

With age, comes wisdom...or so I've been told. It seems the older I become the more self-aware I am. Being an only child, I will admit that I have the tendency to act somewhat spoiled and even a tad bratty at times. I've been told by friends and foes that I can come off kind of stand-offish and snobby, that I relish being the center of attention and become very unpleasant when I don't get my way. While I do sometimes take offense to these accusations, I can admit that they are true to a certain extent and, as a result, I have made a conscious effort to improve these aspects of my character. However, change takes time which my loving boyfriend is always so quick to point out.

What has made me compelled to touch upon this subject is the confrontation I had last night with a person whom I do consider a friend, but have the tendency to clash with almost on a daily basis. I've been told that the reason we clash is because we are very similar individuals. We're both around the same age, both only children and therefore have the same kind of traits and habits. Of course, I greatly disagree, but that's besides the point. What caused the ruckus last night is the same thing that always gets my blood pumping with this person in particular...money.

This person, myself and my roommate all hang out on a regular basis. We drink coffee together, make dinner for each other, pay for each others tabs when we go out. When it comes to friends and money I've always believed the saying "You've got my back and I've got yours." It should go without saying that if you pay this time I'll pay next time or if I make you dinner tonight than an opportunity to dine at your place will come in the future. And if that time doesn't come, it's not a big deal. However, my neighbor feels the need to always point out when she pays for stuff, what's owed to her, how much she has bought and so on. Seriously?! When she does this it makes me want to point out the fact that we are all just as worried about money as she is and trying to save as well...which is exactly what I did last night in addition to pointing out the fact that every single time we hang out she does this. Of course, she didn't take it well and referred to me as being "snippy, confrontational and bitchy." She told me that she liked me as a person, but couldn't handle my "attitude." My internal response was "WTF?!", but my actual response was, "um, hello, I dish it out because that's what you do." If you don't want to pay for something fine. If you can't afford to do something, fine, but don't make it seem like you're the only one with financial issues, because in this day and age, and especially with the current economic conditions, we are ALL suffering in some manner.

In the end, we resolved the issue and continued on with the night, but this whole experience really got me thinking about my character. I feel that I handled the situation appropriately. There was no yelling or screaming or name calling, which is what I used to resort to. However, I'm always curious as to whether or not there was a better way to handle it all. I do like this girl and do consider her a friend, but when something gets under my skin, I just can't let it go. Perhaps that's another aspect of my character I should work on...

Another aspect of my life that I feel has improved somewhat over time, but still needs work is the relationship I have with my parents, specifically my mother. I wish I could say that because I'm an only child I am very close with both of my parents, but unfortunately that isn't the case at all. While my parents know me well in regards to my character and personality, I feel that they don't know much about me as a person. This is mainly because I've never fully let them in. There's always been this invisible wall of sorts up between us and, to be honest, I'm not sure why this is. Fully letting them into my life has always felt like an invasion of privacy. Part of it is because my mother is very pushy and wants to know everything, which makes me not want to tell her anything.

The older I become, however, the more I do want to let my parents in, but I just can't get out of habit of keeping in the "dark" after doing it for so long. As you can imagine, both parents are rather protective of me and tend to get on my nerves as a result. My mom and I don't really have conversations because they almost always end in an argument. Spending time together for longer than a meal doesn't always end well because I somehow manage to say or do something that she just doesn't agree with or approve of. My mother is very controlling and I'm very stubborn...not a good combination. I'd like to get over this all and simply be friends with my mom and have a strong mother-daughter relationship but I'm not quite sure how to go about doing this. I have to wonder if things will always be like this between us. What I do hope is that despite our differences that my mother knows how much she means to me and how much I love her. I've never been good at expressing my emotions to my parents...